“I want clients, but I don’t want to be an influencer” — most of my clients in The Growth Intensive.
I get it. Influencers or creators got a bad name. I wrote more about this in one of the early issues of this newsletter.
Many of my clients and friends refuse to do traum pr0n or overshare their lives just to be relatable. They know this works (of course it does!), but is it relevant if you’re in B2B or selling B2C products that have absolutely nothing to do with your personal life?
All this to say that YES, you can be relatable, personable, and trustworthy without sharing your smoothie recipe (unless you’re in the cooking industry), without exposing your entire family online, and generally — without sharing more than you’re comfortable with.
I’ll tell you about someone who did it and keeps doing it after a quick message from today’s partner:
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The Esther Perel Effect
In case you don’t know her, Esther Perel is THE relationship therapist.
Esther Perel doesn’t “show up on socials” every day. She isn’t live-streaming her lunch or dropping voice notes on Threads about how she’s “just feeling super called to speak her truth right now.”
And yet, she’s one of the most influential voices in relationships, psychology, and even business communication.
If you know her, you probably remember a line like this:
“We expect from one person what once an entire village used to provide.”
That sentence is a worldview. It reframes how we see modern relationships.
It’s been quoted in marriage counseling sessions, business leadership keynotes, and probably a few awkward family dinners.
Esther didn’t build her influence by being “relatable.” She built it by being resonant.
When she talks about modern relationships, she doesn’t say “the fact that I have an amazing marriage makes me qualified to help you fix yours.”
In all her books and her talks, she mentions the four decades she spent helping couples fix their relationships. She quotes her clients’ success, not her personal life. Her anecdotes are not about her husband but about her clients.
In fact, after having followed her for years and having read her books, I realized I knew nothing about her personal life. Was she married? Any kids? (Yes to both. I googled it, but honestly, the result wouldn’t have changed my mind.)
And yet she has books, TED Talks, a podcast, global speaking gigs, and a devoted audience across multiple niches.
She did all that by spotlighting her expertise, not her personal life.
Which makes me extremely proud to have gotten this comment from my friend Susan on the ONE post I’ve ever made about my marriage anniversary:
BTW, if you don’t know Susan, this is the best way to get familiar with her brilliance.
While the implicit comparison honors me, I didn’t set out to become the next Esther Perel, and neither should you — that seat’s already taken.
This piece isn’t about becoming her.
It’s about how to stop trying to become a personal brand and start becoming a voice that matters.
Let’s talk about the difference between attention and actual influence—and how to grow the latter without losing your mind (or your dignity).
Why personal branding became a trap
The internet flattened the gatekeepers. Online gurus will tell you this to sell the “it’s never been easier to get started” spiel. They’re partially right
You don’t need a PR agent to get attention. You don’t need to be on TV to be known.
This democratization gave rise to the “personal brand” era—a time when anyone could build visibility by showing up as Themselves™️.
But the advice mutated. It went from “be clear about your expertise” to “share your whole life, cry on camera, and make Canva quotes about your coffee routine.”
The problem is that this version of personal branding isn’t about resonance. It’s about performance. It’s attention for attention’s sake.
I see people in B2B play the attention game because they’ve lost patience. They want to be seen (and paid!) NOW, not when people realize how good they are.
I get it. It took Esther Perel three decades to become a globally respected voice in her industry. No one wants to wait that long.
But the alternative is faked authenticity and becoming one of the worst celeb entrepreneur archetypes, “the BFF next door”, in the words of my friend, Dr. Michelle Mazur.
And we know this performance isn’t sustainable.
To be clear, I’m not saying you should NOT share as much as you feel comfortable sharing. If you’re ok with it, go for it! If you’re not or if you want to build deep expertise-based trust, keep reading.
The psychology of being “On” all the time
Psychologist Erving Goffman wrote about this way before the internet in The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. He said that most of us are always performing—a curated self, designed for the audience in front of us.
Now add an algorithm that rewards dopamine-spiking engagement, and you’ve got a never-ending performance loop.
It’s called “audience tuning”—we start shaping our content based on what we think the audience wants to hear, not what we actually believe.
As a result, we lose our edge. Our POV gets watered down, we stop thinking for ourselves, and start mimicking whatever gets the most likes. Worse yet, the more we fake this, the more we move to a “shared reality,” and we let this online persona shape our actual personality.
Why attention ≠ influence
You can get attention by being loud. You earn influence by being useful and memorable.
Attention gives you eyeballs. Influence gives you leverage.
The non-cringe path to industry influence
So how do you actually become influential in your niche without becoming a parody of a personal brand?
Here’s a five-step framework that works for solo founders, experts, consultants, and anyone who’s ready to build a resonant body of work—without turning their life into content.
1. Start with a belief, not a persona
Most people start by asking:
“What should I post to stand out?”
Wrong question.
Try this instead:
“What belief do I want my audience to adopt/consider as a result of engaging with me?”
That’s the seed of real influence.
Esther Perel wants you to believe that “the quality of our relationships dictates the quality of our lives”. Seth Godin wants you to believe that marketing is about permission, not interruption. You? That’s what we’re figuring out.
Your belief should challenge the status quo—gently or forcefully, your call. But it should create a before-and-after for your people.
I call these beliefs BIG ideas — the root of your body of work. You can read more about figuring out your big idea here.
2. Anchor yourself to an idea, not a vibe
A “vibe” is not a strategy.
Yes, aesthetic matters. But ideas age better than aesthetics because people don’t quote your color palette. They quote your frameworks.
So anchor yourself to 2–4 signature pillars derived from your big idea —things you’re willing to write about, podcast about, and teach for the next 5 years without getting bored.
Start here: write 3 short sentences that could finish this prompt: “In my world, we believe that ______.”
3. Show, don’t showcase
You don’t need to post screenshots of Stripe dashboards to build credibility. In fact, doing so might attract the wrong kind of audience: the ones chasing your results, not your thinking.
Influence builds when people trust your judgment — not just your income.
Try this instead:
- “Here’s what I’m experimenting with this month”
- “Here’s what I changed my mind about”
- “Here’s what didn’t work, and why”
You’ll be shocked how refreshing honesty is in a market full of “7-figure launches” and “$100k months” with no receipts.
4. Build signal, not noise
Let’s talk publishing cadence. A lot of online gurus will tell you: consistency is king.
And sure, it helps to be on as many platforms as possible because every company is a media company these days.
But you can’t be everywhere every damn day.
As a solo founder or a creative business owner, your job is to be thoughtful, not just present.
Publishing fewer, sharper pieces—content with a spine—is a better long-term bet than trying to outpost people with ghostwriters and AI stacks.
Invest in formats that reward clarity:
- Newsletters
- Essays
- Podcasts
- Long-form YouTube
- Collaborations and guest interviews
And remember: most of your audience is silent. That doesn’t mean they’re not watching.
5. Don’t be your only case study
Remember how Esther Perel doesn’t mention her own relationship as proof that she’s a relationship expert? It’s for a reason.
“I made $10K/week by working 10 mins a day and I can teach you how to do the same” works for getting attention, not influence.
Sure, success attracts success, but people also need to see actual proof that you’ve helped someone other than yourself.
It’s no coincidence that today’s partner is Senja, a solution that helps you collect and publish social proof. Because other people saying that you’re awesome always beats tooting your own horn.
A caveat
To me, the hardest thing is toeing the line between oversharing and not sharing at all. I’m in the latter category — not because I’m secretive but because, for the life of me, I can’t understand what my personal life has to do with my ability to help you with your marketing.
At the same time, I fully understand the power of relatability and of letting people in. I’m working on not surprising my online friends with basic facts about my life 🙂. That being said, it’s highly improbable I’ll ever build a BFF next door persona and write about my personal struggles instead of my clients’ successes.
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